Redneck Advice From Dear Junior

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Dear Junior

Somewhat Sensible Sense For The Confused, Confounded And Counter-Enlightened

Dear Junior,

I’m a redneck who went and got myself an education, and now I’m ready to enter the world of big business. I’ve got me some job interviews with some big money companies, and I am wondering if you have any tips. How is the business world different from the redneck world I grew up in?

UPWARDLY MOBILE BETWEEN UDELL AND MOULTON

JUNIOR SAYS: You came to the right place, UPWARDLY MOBILE! Although I ain’t had a regular job since the Carter Administration, I’ve hob-knobbed with the big business types and have always been able to get along with them really well.

Here are a few important business facts you should know:

1. In the business world, “liquidity” is not a word to describe what happened to the ice in your cooler when it got left out in the sun.
2. “Fortune 500” is not a NASCAR race.
3. A “broker” is not a word to describe how you have less money than another guy.
4. A “barter” is not a belt to hold up your wife’s stockings.
5. “Fixed assets” has nothing to do with liposuction.
6. A “liability” is not a word used to describe how good someone is at stretching the truth.
7. A “portfolio” is not a nice spot to park your new bass boat.
8. “Twitter” is not a new way to call turkeys.
9. “Outsourcing” is not when they let your cousin Cletus out of prison for good behavior.
10. A “promissory note” is not a letter to your wife telling her you’ll fix the screen door on Saturday.

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Dear Junior,

My wife and I are going to have a baby! It is our first, and we cannot come to an agreement of what to name him or her. We don’t want to name the child after family. Do you know any good, unique names for our new young’un?

EXPECTING IN AGENCY

JUNIOR SAYS: Congratulations EXPECTING! We kept it simple in our house. My daddy was Junior, Sr., I’m Junior, and my boy is Junior, Jr. My daughter is Daisy Mabel.

Remember, it isn’t hard to come up with a name. If you don’t like any of my suggestions, just put two short names together and you have yourself a name. For a girl, use any flower, then add the name of a month to it, like “Rosey-May” or “Daisy-June.” For a boy, choose your favorite car, driver, town or wild game and just add a “Junior,” a “Jimmy” or a “Billy” to it. If you can’t come up with anything, well, I did some research, and these are the top 10 baby names for boys to help you get started.

1. Dale
2. Boy
3. The Boy
4. Dale The Boy
5. Baby Boy
6. Buck
7. Ford
8. Bucky Ford
9. Jimmy James
10. Branson

And here are the top 10 baby names for girls:

1. Peachy
2. Sue
3. Peachy-Sue
4. Jubyjane
5. Mandy-Lynn
6. Girl
7. Maggie-Pie
8. Dale
9. Dale The Girl
10. Branson

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