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Some Advice For The College Freshmen
By JAMES GROB
My youngest daughter just experienced her first day of college this week. Like most parents, I cried like a little baby. Then I decided that the young people of her generation University who are just starting school could use some advice, and who better to give it than someone like me, who has no idea what he's talking about?
So here it goes. Pay attention, all you new college freshmen.
1. There is no "freshman fifteen"
If you gain 15 pounds, consider yourself lucky. Nowadays, the average person gains 15 pounds just reading dessert recipes on Pinterest. The real number is up around 80. Yep, you're probably going to gain 80 pounds your first semester of school, and there is little you can do to stop it. You will spend the rest of your life battling to lose the weight you're going to gain in the next eight months. Why fight it? Just eat all the crap you can, because you'll be expected to be a porker by spring, so you'll never get an opportunity like this again.
2. Give yourself a nickname, but only if that nickname is "Milt."
When you meet new people, no matter what your name is, tell everyone to call you "Milt." Just trust me on this. There will come a time when you're grateful that everyone thinks of you as "Milt." This goes for both male and female freshmen.
3. Face it, your friends in high school were all losers.
If you're still friends with any of them in two years, you're probably a loser, too. Do everything you can to cut these morons out of your life completely. They're dragging you down and cramping your style. When you come back and visit around Thanksgiving or Christmas time, avoid your old high school buddies as if they had a new and uncontrollably aggressive form of leprosy.
4. By the way, your family members are probably losers, too.
This includes parents, grandparents, step parents, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles -- even family pets. You don't need them screwing up your life anymore. It would probably be a good idea to avoid them as well, unless you depend on some or all of them for financial support. If you do, you have to be nice to them until you're out of college and making the big bucks. At that point, cut them out of your life completely.
5. Oh, and also by the way, your new friends at college are losers, too. And they're scary.
If you live in a dorm, there is a very high probability that at least four people on your floor are serial killers -- or they will be serial killers in the not-too-distant future. Also, chances are at least two of your professors have absolutely no knowledge of the subjects they claim to teach, because they are living under assumed identities in the witness protection program for testifying against a mob boss. Oh, also, someone on your dorm floor is probably a mob boss. And someone on your floor is secretly hiding a pet snake. It's most likely a python. Sleep well.
6. Don't go to morning classes
Try not to schedule any early morning classes, but if you have to, just don't go to them. You are in no condition to learn anything that early in the day. Actually, you're in no condition to learn anything in the afternoon, either. In fact, don't go to any class before 11 a.m. or after 1 p.m. And try not to schedule any classes over lunch. You can't be expected to learn if you're hungry.
7. Don't pledge
You may get the opportunity to join a fraternity or a sorority. These groups basically exist as programs to train you to become a jerk. You already know how to be a jerk, you don't need any high-intensity jerk training. No Greek for you.
8. Make sure you have an ethnic roommate
If you're reading this, chances are you're white. If you're white, you should insist on having an ethnic roommate -- it doesn't matter what ethnicity. Black or Hispanic would be good. Asian or Pacific Islander would even be better. Native American is top prize. This way, any time you say something stupid and get accused by other white people of being prejudiced, you can just say, "Hey, I have a black roommate" or "I have a Native American roommate" or something like that. This will immediately shut up any other white people who are pretending to be offended by something you said. However, if you say something so stupid that it actually and honestly offends some non-white people, you're on your own. Chances are you should have never opened your big mouth and you probably deserve to get beaten up.
9. Look both ways before crossing the street
This piece of advice isn't exclusively for college freshmen. It's just good advice for everyone, so I thought I would put it in here. Also, don't play with matches. And don't eat yellow snow. And see a doctor about that rash.
10. Study, study, study
Work hard and get good grades. That way, you can get into graduate school. You need to go to graduate school because there sure as heck aren't any jobs for you out here in the real world. And if there are, they're in the process of being outsourced this very minute. Face it, you're never going to be able to join the workforce, so get good enough grades so you can stay in college, where it's still fun. The real world is really hard. Avoid it for as long as possible.