By JAMES GROB (More Columns)
If you don't like football, try not to think of it as having to watch another Super Bowl. Instead, try to think of it as your best chance to see Bruno Mars perform live.
I mean, the guy has sold something like 150 kajillion albums, and they play him on pop radio all the time and he makes appearances at all the big awards shows and all that, but I have yet to hear him sing a song that I even like a little bit. I'm sure it's a generational thing, and also a sex thing, because all the kids love him, and a lot of middle-aged women love him.
Maybe it's the funny hat. Me? I just don't get it.
And the fact that middle-aged women love him disturbs me a little bit. It's kind of like if I was running around trying to get Taylor Swift to autograph my leg or chest or something. I would be immediately sent to creeper prison, and that's where I would belong.
Of course, Red Hot Chili Peppers are also playing at halftime of the Super Bowl, and I DO get them. Was a big fan of Flea and the boys back in the day, they rock whatever house they're in. And the best thing is, even though they're pretty much all old men now, you know at least one and probably more than one of the Peppers will perform sans shirt.
Because RHCP don't do shirts. RHCP takes their shirts off more often than Matthew McConaughey on a deserted island. And even though the Super Bowl is in New Jersey, and the temperature is going to be something like two degrees, the Peppers will remove their shirts. It's what the Peppers do -- they have an agenda.
Step one, rock this house. Step two, take off our shirts. Step three, return to step one.
Then there's the commercials -- those million dollar commercials that are supposed to impress us. I don't know how many non-football fans have told me that they're going to be watching the Super Bowl for the commercials. And there will undoubtedly be some funny ones, but I hope to high water that there aren't any of those gross and disgusting "Go Daddy" commercials this year. Last year they had some airhead supermodel tongue-kiss with some gross fat guy for what seemed like hours, and I nearly vomited into the spinach dip. I don't have a strong stomach for that kind of thing.
Oh, the National Anthem is going to be sung by an opera singer this year. Which I think is good. Not that I'm a fan of opera, but I am a fan of getting singers who actually know the words to the song, and who stick pretty close to the traditional melody of the song, without trying to hit every single note available.
Oh, Queen Latifah is singing "God Bless America." I'd like to make a snarky comment about that, but I won't because Queen Latifah just seems so nice, and I don't want to be mean.
Speaking of meanness, there's that guy -- that really scary guy who plays cornerback for the Seahawks -- Richard Sherman. I know for a fact that he's one of the best cornerbacks in the game, because he told me so. When his team won the NFC Championship game, he celebrated by yelling and screaming at the nice sideline reporter lady and scaring the hell out of her, then trying to pick a fight with just about everyone in America and its occupied territories.
Everyone else on his team seemed real happy and jolly, but for some reason he was just really angry. So I am hoping that his team wins the Super Bowl, because I want to see what he does. I'm guessing he'll immediately run out and rob a convenience store or carjack a mini-van filled with several members of the Von Trapp Family Singers or something along those lines.
Oh, the game? I almost forgot.
I think Payton Manning will have his moments, but will struggle with the cold and the wind, and Seattle's defense will keep it just close enough for the Seahawks to have a chance to pull it out in the end.
And I think Seattle running back Marshawn Lynch will have a huge game against the Denver Bronco defense and end up earning MVP honors.
He'll be awarded a trip to Disneyland. And Bruno Mars's hat.