Thoughts on all topics from the twisted mind of a Midwestern writer
Iowa Scribe
  • About
  • Blog
  • Plays
  • Poetry And Prose
  • Columns
  • FAQ, Etc.

Dear Junior: A Blast From The Past

6/4/2013

0 Comments

 
Picture
There was a time when I moonlighted -- I anonymously penned a fake "redneck advice column" entitled "Dear Junior." The premise was that Junior was the ultimate redneck -- the redneck "Dear Abby." 
Was a lot of fun and I got a lot of laughs out of it.
So here's an old Dear Junior column, for all you rednecks.
Read more of Dear Junior on the Columns Page.



Dear Junior

Somewhat Sensible Sense For The Confused, Confounded And Counter-Enlightened


Dear Junior,

I have fallen for a redneck woman! I am a 25-year old man originally from the east coast who moved to the area because of my job last year. I really like a local woman here who works at Petro And Provisions, and she seems to like me as well. After weeks of flirting when I went in every morning to get coffee and a newspaper, I finally found the courage to ask her out on a date next Saturday night, and she accepted!
Now I am a little scared. I’ve been told that dating here is different than dating out east, and that redneck women are different from regular women. Do you have any tips for me, as to what to do and what not to do?

DATING IN DAVIS COUNTY

JUNIOR SAYS: You’ve come to the right place, dating! No one knows more about how to treat a redneck woman than ol’ Junior!
Here are a few dating tips which are sure to help you:
  1. It is impolite to suggest your girl get a tattoo of your name on the first date. This is strictly a second date suggestion, and even then,  ask her to put the tattoo on a private part of her body. It’s too early for a tattoo she can’t cover up.
  2. In the car, she will not want to share your spittoon. Best to have one clean soda can for you to spit in, and one for her to spit in.
  3. When it comes to conversations about UFO abductions, don’t you bring up the subject. Talk about it only if she wants to talk about it.
  4. Always ask her permission first before signing your date up for a wet T-shirt contest.
  5. No going out to shoot pool until you know her better. It may bring up some bad memories, and there is a good chance your date was either born on a pool table, conceived on a pool table, or both.
  6. Don’t get mad at her when she kicks your butt at bowling.
  7. Avoid talking about Fords and Chevys at all costs. Dodge is a gray area. Harleys are OK.
  8. If you dine out, don’t bring your dog with you. I don’t care how many pheasants he retrieved that morning, it is in poor taste to take him anywhere more fancy than the Sonic lot.
  9. If you take her out to the landfill to shoot rats, don’t touch the rats you shoot unless you have some hand sanitizer with you.
  10. When you write her name on the bathroom wall, use bold letters  and be a gentleman and take a picture of it so that you can show her later.

0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    IowaScribe

    Thoughts on all topics from the twisted mind of a Midwestern writer. Playwrighting, poetry, journalism, sports, hunting, fishing, rock music, movies, good food and
    progressive politics, among hundreds of other things.  
    Contact Iowa Scribe.

    Picture
    Picture

    Archives

    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    November 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    May 2011

    RSS Feed

    Picture