Dear Junior: A Blast From The Past

There was a time when I moonlighted -- I anonymously penned a fake "redneck advice column" entitled "Dear Junior." The premise was that Junior was the ultimate redneck -- the redneck "Dear Abby." 
Was a lot of fun and I got a lot of laughs out of it.
So here's an old Dear Junior column, for all you rednecks.
Read more of Dear Junior on the Columns Page.



Dear Junior

Somewhat Sensible Sense For The Confused, Confounded And Counter-Enlightened


Dear Junior,

I have fallen for a redneck woman! I am a 25-year old man originally from the east coast who moved to the area because of my job last year. I really like a local woman here who works at Petro And Provisions, and she seems to like me as well. After weeks of flirting when I went in every morning to get coffee and a newspaper, I finally found the courage to ask her out on a date next Saturday night, and she accepted!
Now I am a little scared. I’ve been told that dating here is different than dating out east, and that redneck women are different from regular women. Do you have any tips for me, as to what to do and what not to do?

DATING IN DAVIS COUNTY

JUNIOR SAYS: You’ve come to the right place, dating! No one knows more about how to treat a redneck woman than ol’ Junior!
Here are a few dating tips which are sure to help you:

1. It is impolite to suggest your girl get a tattoo of your name on the first date. This is strictly a second date suggestion, and even then,  ask her to put the tattoo on a private part of her body. It’s too early for a tattoo she can’t cover up.
2. In the car, she will not want to share your spittoon. Best to have one clean soda can for you to spit in, and one for her to spit in.
3. When it comes to conversations about UFO abductions, don’t you bring up the subject. Talk about it only if she wants to talk about it.
4. Always ask her permission first before signing your date up for a wet T-shirt contest.
5. No going out to shoot pool until you know her better. It may bring up some bad memories, and there is a good chance your date was either born on a pool table, conceived on a pool table, or both.
6. Don’t get mad at her when she kicks your butt at bowling.
7. Avoid talking about Fords and Chevys at all costs. Dodge is a gray area. Harleys are OK.
8. If you dine out, don’t bring your dog with you. I don’t care how many pheasants he retrieved that morning, it is in poor taste to take him anywhere more fancy than the Sonic lot.
9. If you take her out to the landfill to shoot rats, don’t touch the rats you shoot unless you have some hand sanitizer with you.
10. When you write her name on the bathroom wall, use bold letters  and be a gentleman and take a picture of it so that you can show her later.

---