5. Frosty The Snowman
The Ronettes

Lyric: "He waved goodbye saying, "Don't you cry, I'll be back again some day ... "

4. His Favorite Christmas Story
Capital Lights

Lyric: "Sir, can you share a little holiday cheer?"

3. Little Drummer Boy/Peace On Earth
Bing Crosby and David Bowie

Lyric: "I pray my wish will come true, for my child and your child, too. They'll see the day of glory. See the day when men of good will live in peace, live in peace again ... "

2. Father Christmas
The Kinks

"Have yourself a very merry Christmas, have yourself a good time. Just remember the kids who got nothing, while you're drinking down your wine ... "

1. Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)
Darlene Love

"The church bells in town, all ringing in song, what a happy sound ... baby please come home ..."

Tidings of comfort and joy

By JAMES GROB

The young woman furrowed her brow and rubbed her eyes. Her fingers then straightened her long black hair. Everything in the store she had looked at that was any good cost just a little too much, and everything that was within her price range just wasn’t quite good enough.

She needed a perfect Christmas gift for the perfect guy — a blue-eyed, babyfaced guy who had always been sweet to her — and she became more and more frustrated as she roamed through aisle after aisle. She had looked at sweaters, watches, jackets, gloves, gadgets and colognes — and just about everything she liked cost more than she could ever afford on her wage as a waitress at a small cafe. She didn’t know whether to cry or scream. If he didn’t like his Christmas gift, she thought, maybe he wouldn’t like her anymore.

A white-haired older woman watched her and knew immediately that the young lady had to be searching for a present for a very important boyfriend. As the two came closer to one another in the cologne aisle, she cleared her throat and spoke cheerfully.

“Merry Christmas, dearie,” the older woman said.

The young woman looked at her. The older woman’s eyes sparkled through her spectacles, and she wore a navy-colored sweatshirt with a red-nosed reindeer pictured on the front — a gift from grandkids the previous Christmas.

Something about the way the strange old woman had said it soothed the younger woman. Maybe it was the silliness of the word “dearie,” or maybe it was just the musical tone in her voice.

The young woman smiled. “Merry Christmas to you, too,” she replied.

“Oh, dearie.” (There was that word again.) “You don’t have a thing to worry about. With a smile as pretty as that, your man will love you no matter what you give him. He won’t let you get away.”

The polite, pretty smile quickly became a sincere and beautiful one — the kind of smile that belongs on the cover of a magazine or in a feature film. The young woman simply beamed. “Thank you,” she managed to mutter in reply.

Finding the right gift was easy after that, and as she merrily waited in the checkout line she bumped shoulders with a middle-aged man. A tired fellow with a receding hairline and a growing belly, he didn’t care much for Christmas shopping and cared even less for crowded checkout lines. His patience was limited and he was beginning to dread the anticipated hassle of another Christmas Day — and the outrageous bills that were soon to follow.

“Excuse me,” he mumbled to her after they had bumped.

“No problem,” she said. Then she gave him that sincere smile. “Happy holidays.”

It had been a long time since a pretty young woman had smiled at him like that. His beaten posture changed as his heart lifted in his chest — his upper body seemed to inflate and his face softened significantly. He held his head high and smiled back at her — as he would smile at the whole world for the rest of the evening.

“Happy holidays to you, too,” he cheerfully exclaimed to her moments later as he exited the store, bags of gifts in tow. He seemed to be walking on air.

His attitude had changed so drastically that he happily left a much-larger-than-usual amount of money in the charity bucket next to the Salvation Army Santa ringing the bell outside. Then, as he drove out of the parking lot, he came across a motorist with a flat tire. Normally he would have driven right by, but today he pulled over to help.

As he put the spare tire on for the nice, white-haired woman, he chatted away — and even complimented her on her “Rudolph sweatshirt.” He laughed as she told him stories about her grandkids. He told her he couldn’t wait to have grandkids of his own, and he was surprised to hear himself saying that — and meaning it.

He then followed her to the repair shop — the only one in town still open on Christmas Eve — and insisted on paying to have the tire repaired.

“It’s not much,” he told the woman. “Consider it a Christmas gift. Just promise to spend the money I’ll save you on your wonderful grandkids.”

She promised. He waved good-bye, shouted “Merry Christmas” and hurried home. For the first time in a long time, he couldn’t wait to see his wife — and to give her a kiss.

The repair shop owner witnessed the man’s generosity, and was so impressed that he decided to spread a little generosity of his own. He gave his only employee the rest of the day off, with full pay and a holiday bonus. It was just a small bonus — after all, business had been slow — but it was more than what the young man had expected, which was nothing.

The blue-eyed mechanic was so thrilled he actually gave his boss a hug as he wished him “Happy Holidays” and skipped out the door. Although the moment was awkward, it somehow seemed appropriate, and the repair shop owner was pleasantly amazed at how easily he could positively impact the attitude of an employee.

Now the baby-faced young man would have just enough time to get to the jewelry store before it closed, and just enough money to pay off the engagement ring on which he had been making payments for the last few months.

It was a Christmas present for his girlfriend, a thoughtful young woman with long, black hair. He was going to ask for her hand in marriage tonight, on Christmas Eve. He’d always been sweet to her, and she seemed to care about him an awful lot. He hoped and prayed that she would say yes.

When your girl has a smile as pretty as that, you don’t let her get away.

The 10 Best Christmas Presents Ever

By JAMES GROB
Ottumwa Post Columnist

CLICK HERE TO READ THE OTTUMWA POST

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Of course, Christmas is a time of giving -- a time of love and family and sharing and charity and remembrance. A time to recall the story of the first Christmas, of God's gift to mankind. Christmas is a time to spread good cheer and happiness.

But man, the presents are cool.

Join me now, on my personal trip down memory lane as I recall some of the best Christmas presents I ever got -- most of them when I was a little kid. These are in no particular order, I am listing them off as they pop into my mind.

1. The "Six Million Dollar Man" action figure. 

His name was Steve Austin, he was part man and part machine, and he could beat the living tar out of G.I. Joe. I got my Six Million Dollar Man doll when I was about seven years old, and it was a great gift, despite the fact that a few days before Christmas, my little sister accidentally spilled the beans and ruined any surprise. Based on the TV show, the Steve Austin character was a fighter pilot who had survived a crash and was rebuilt with bionic parts that gave him super-human skills. As played by actor Lee Majors, who had to be cool because he was married to Farrah Fawcet for a while, he worked for the U.S. Office of Strategic Intelligence, sometimes reluctantly, using his newfound skills -- the ability to jump over very tall fences, pick up automobiles with one arm, run 60 miles an hour and see for miles -- to defeat commies and other enemies of the state. His mortal enemy was Maskatron, and he befriended Bigfoot, but I didn't have either of those toys, so my action figure was content to smash  up my sister's Barbie dream boat and beat up most of the other toys in the house. 

2. Sled. 

I was six. It was plastic, it was red and it was fast. Our neighbors had a big hill, and we could slide down it and across Oak Street and into our side yard. The goal was always to get going fast enough to slide all the way to the house, and my sled was able to make it that far several times. The biggest problems were the aforementioned neighbors, who had never given us permission to slide down their hill and at times were crabby about it, and the aforementioned Oak Street, which sometimes had cars on it, with drivers who weren't looking out for kids on sleds. But what's life without some obstacles?

3. Coleco "Head-to-Head" hand held football game.

 I was 11. They were little red blips on a tiny little screen, but in my mind, they were some of the greatest football games ever played. It kept score, it kept down and distance, and you could play by yourself or against a friend, as this game had both offense and defense. When you scored, it played a little victory song. The biggest problem with this awesome gift was the fact that it seemed like I spent millions of dollars replacing the battery, which wouldn't even carry a charge for two hours.

4. Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em Robots. 

These guys were around a couple years before I was born, but they were still a pretty hot item when I was six and got my first Rock 'Em game. You pushed buttons to move the robots around the little boxing ring and have them slug each other, and when you punched one just right, his head would pop up. Tell me that isn't the coolest thing ever?

5. Bean bag chairs. 

My sister and I each got one, to sit in while we watched TV, and they were pretty neat. Eventually, they began to leak little tiny styrofoam balls, and 40 years later, we still find an occasional little tiny styrofoam ball in my parents' basement. 

6. Walk-man. 

I was 12 years old when this amazing device came out -- the start of the personal mobile music revolution. Again, the only complaint I ever had about my Walk Man was the fact that I had to spend a fortune on batteries.

7. Panasonic portable tape recorder. 

This thing looked like it came from outer space. It was bright red and had a handle on top to carry it, and I would just walk around with it and record things, then listen to them later. This was my first step into storytelling, and my friends and I recorded some comedy routines that were pretty hilarious, for nine year old kids.

8. Atari home video computer system. 

Oh my God, how cool was this? You hooked it up to your TV and the games were awesome. I was 13 when our family got an Atari. Games sold separately included Missile Command, Asteroids, Berserk, Donkey Kong and, of course, Pac-Man. 

9. Wind up robot. 

When I was about 10, my older cousin bought all the relatives little wind-up robots. They looked kind of like R2D2, only they were red and they didn't roll, they walked. I don't think they cost much more than a dollar each, but we had a blast with them, winding them up and sending them down a table or countertop or across the kitchen floor. Nothing fancy -- it was a simple rubber-band mechanism that made them go. The best part was when the cat was around. Kitty like to stalk the robots and then swat the heck out of them. Good times. Yeah, good times.

10. Nephew. 

A few years back, my sister gave me my first nephew for Christmas. His name is Christian James and he's more awesome than any of the other gifts I've been talking about -- even the Six Million Dollar Man. He doesn't need batteries. He talks a lot, but most of all, he hugs. You haven't been properly hugged until you've been hugged by Christian James. Is there a better Christmas gift than that?

As you can see here, a recent study shows that a plurality of Ramones fans (21 percent) wanna be your boyfriend, while 19 percent want the airwaves and 15 percent wanna be sedated. So a total of 55 percent -- a clear majority, want to be your boyfriend, the airwaves, or to be sedated.

 Just 10 percent wanna live, and another 10 percent wanna live my life. Five percent wanna steal from the rich and give to the poor, another five percent wanna sniff some glue. 

Both of those selections were tied with wanting something to do and wanting shock treatment -- both coming in at five percent.

Just two percent wanna get some kicks, while another two percent wanna have some chicks, and one percent wanna puke.

Courtesy of Beth Howard, the wonderful Crazy Eldon Pie Lady at THE WORLD NEEDS MORE PIE, this is what the famous American Gothic House window looks like from the inside, when it's 70 degrees inside and 7 degrees outside.

Beth lives in the American Gothic House, and represents Iowa well.

Give Beth some business this Christmas season, she is a tremendous writer and maker of pie.

CLICK HERE TO READ THE OTTUMWA POST

When Black Friday Comes …

By JAMES GROB
Ottumwa Post Columnist

Hold it, hold it, just hold it one second here ...

Just when I thought I had that whole holiday season thing all figured out they start messing with me again.

It's all supposed to start on "Black Friday," right? The Friday after Thanksgiving Day -- which is almost always the last Thursday in the month of November. And on Black Friday, they open all the doors to your favorite stores at some ungodly hour and people rush in to buy outrageous items at outrageous prices.

So I had it all figured out. I would rush into my favorite discount store on Black Friday morning and I would get that "Hello Kitty" glow-in-the-dark stopwatch/wastebasket that I need for my home or office or home office or maybe even my office home. I've wanted that stopwatch/wastebasket for quite some time now, but on Black Friday that thing was gonna be something like 900 percent off while supplies last, so I had to get in there early on Black Friday to get there ahead of all the other thrifty shoppers who are feeling the Christmas spirit flow through them.

Nothing says “Christmas” like a "Hello Kitty" glow-in-the-dark wastebasket/stopwatch combination.

So I  checked the hours to find out when exactly this Black Friday thing was supposed to start and, it turns out, Black Friday started on Thursday.

I don't mean it started at midnight on Thursday night, I mean it actually started on Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, several hours before Friday, while I was dozing off on the sofa in front of Oakland vs. Dallas in the traditional attempt to digest a delicious meal that I was truly thankful to have ingested, and hoping it would not become indigestion.

They pulled a fast one on me! They sold all my Hello Kitty products the day before Black Friday, because Black Friday was actually Thursday this year.

Then, between the television highlights of the football games I had very traditionally dozed off to, they showed highlights of some of the more interesting Black Friday moments -- even though those moments were actually on Thursday. I saw two old ladies using some violent mixed martial arts on each other, bludgeoning each other with purses over a video game, and then a third old lady walked up and stunned both of them with a taser gun and took the video game from both of them.

Note to self: Before next year, invent a video game called "Black Friday" in which you can fight a bunch of other idiots in a discount store for the prize -- which is a video game called "Black Friday." Side note: Said video game will probably be rated as too violent for immature players.

Some other Black Friday highlight moments included an old man throwing soccer balls at the feet of people who were about to catch up with him as they all rushed toward one of the sales in sporting goods. I kept wanting to yell, "Hands! Hands! That's a soccer ball! You can't touch it with your hands!"

But alas, no such rules exist in the universe that is Black Friday. Or Black Thursday. Or whatever. Look at the history. In 2008, a Walmart employee was trampled to death on Black Friday. That same year, two customers were shot to death at a Toys R Us. In 2010, a Toys For Tots Marine was stabbed when he tried to stop a Black Friday customer at Best Buy from stealing a laptop.

I recall videos of gangs fighting over the last waffle iron. A waffle iron? You're actually fighting over a waffle iron?

So after seeing all of that and thinking about it, I decided it was probably a good thing that I missed out on Black Thanksgiving Week. I probably would have gotten pepper sprayed on the way to the Hello Kitty glow-in-the-dark stopwatch/wastebasket section.

Look, I realize that we live in a capitalistic society, and that a lot of people out there count on making a lot of money during the Christmas holiday season to keep their businesses alive the rest of the year. And I'm all for people making money.

But, holy macaroni! When middle-aged men are shooting tear gas at little kids so they can beat them to the aisle that has the blue jeans with the cute bling on the butt pockets, isn't something out of whack here?

Isn't it about time these discount chain retailers all take a deep collective breath and say, let's straighten some of this out?

Let's not make our employees work on Thanksgiving. Let's not get our customers into such a frenzy that they're physically harming each other for the last available Fisher Price Octopod Playset.

On Christmas morning, don't tell your kid, "I kicked the crap out of two old ladies just so I could get you that Big Hugs Elmo. I hope you enjoy it."

Because there's a mixed message there, and I don't think it has all that much to do with Christmas.

While you were all caught up in the LA Hair Band gossip of the 80s before the Grunge crash destroyed it all, or you were arguing over whether Metallica was selling out or not, you missed out on some great pure rock tunes. Lucky for you, IowaScribe was paying attention, so you get another chance. 

You're welcome.


Faith No More, 1989 ... 

Ditching The Courier?


From the OTTUMWA POST:

December 02, 2013
By Pam Credille, Managing Editor, Ottumwa Post



CLICK HERE FOR PHOTOS BY THE OTTUMWA POST

Among a ditch-full of dumped garbage lay thousands of undelivered Courier newspapers, most of which remained in what appeared to be their original bundling. A gentleman, who identified himself as a delivery man for the Courier, worked to clean the discarded newspapers from the ditch on Monday. With the use of a laundry basket, a rope and two young women at the bottom of the ravine the paper deliverer pulled up bundles of old newspapers by the basket full and loaded them into the back of his pickup truck.

Closer examination, of the photos taken at the scene, revealed that the discarded newspapers host a range of dates; The Post was able to successfully identify papers from March, August and October. However, most of the dates on the papers were not readily apparent from our photographer’s vantage point at the top of the ditch. All visible dates happened to be Wednesday publications; the day of the week that the Courier delivers free papers to non-subscribers throughout the area.