But, having said that, I just have to ask you, what in God's name inspired you to put 17 pickles on my cheeseburger the other day?
I buzzed through your drive-thru on the way to a job interview that was an hour away. I understood the risks -- I was going to be eating your food in a car while wearing a suit and tie. There was a high potential of messing up my suit, but I was hungry, so it was a risk I was willing to take.
I ordered the two cheeseburger meal, which comes with fries and a Coke.
At this point, I am going to digress a little bit. McDonald's has a deal going on right now where all the drinks -- small, medium, large and the super-duper-extra "wow what a friggin' pig" large -- are all the same price. So why, when I order a value meal, do you always assume that I want the small? Perhaps you should take a minute and ask me. Since it's the same price, I might want the medium or even the large. If I happen to be hauling cattle, perhaps I'll get the super-large and share it with the bovines. Next time, ask me!
OK, back to the issue at hand. As a matter of course, when I bit into my first cheeseburger a big glob of ketchup squirted out of it and soiled my tie. Fortunately, it was a dark tie, so the stain wasn't all that obvious. Still, I do believe you put a little too much ketchup on that cheeseburger. The ketchup shouldn't be squirting out like that with just one bite. But I'm willing to give you a pass on that. I know from personal experience that it's sometimes difficult to control ketchup output. I should have used a napkin to cover my upper-body clothing, but I was too cocky and decided to go commando. My mistake.
But when I bit into the second cheeseburger, I nearly puked.
There was literally a wad of pickles piled onto that cheeseburger, my friend. I suppose you thought it was funny, grabbing a fistful of pickles and plopping them onto my cheeseburger.
I was forced to quickly open the window and spit that vile crap out. I then opened up my cheeseburger to view one of the most disgusting things I have ever viewed. I know for a fact that you are supposed to put one pickle -- just one pickle -- on a cheeseburger.
I do like a good dill pickle slice. It builds strong bones and healthy teeth. But 17?
You little bastard, I should ring your freaking neck.
I counted them as I tossed them out the window one at a time. They are likely still resting along the side of the road on highway 63 between Eddyville and Oskaloosa, because there aren't enough hyenas in Iowa to eat that many pickles.
17 pickles. 17 pickles, you little punk. Makes me so mad I could punch somebody.
The fries were excellent, though.